Why Self-Compassion Isn't "Making Excuses" (And How to Actually Practice It)
- Daniele
- Aug 2
- 3 min read
If a friend came to you after making a mistake at work, forgetting an appointment, or feeling overwhelmed by life, how would you respond? You’d likely offer a gentle word, a listening ear, and a reminder that they’re human.
Now, think about what happens in your head when you make a mistake.
For many of us, the inner dialogue is relentless: "How could you be so stupid?" or "You should have known better." We’ve been conditioned to believe that self-criticism is necessary for self-discipline—that if we aren’t hard on ourselves, we’ll become lazy, unproductive, or stagnant.
As therapists, we see the cost of this mindset every day. The truth is that harsh self-criticism doesn't motivate us to grow; it drives anxiety, burnout, and emotional fatigue.
If you want to build resilience and emotional strength, the secret isn't pushing yourself harder. It's self-compassion.
What Is Self-Compassion, Really?
Self-compassion is often misunderstood as self-pity or letting yourself off the hook. But pioneer researcher Dr. Kristin Neff defines self-compassion quite differently. It isn't about ignoring your flaws or avoiding accountability—it’s about responding to your own pain or failures with understanding rather than harsh judgment.
Self-compassion relies on three core elements:
Self-Kindness vs. Self-Judgment: Treating yourself with warmth and understanding when you suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring your pain or flagellating yourself with self-criticism.
Common Humanity vs. Isolation: Recognizing that suffering, imperfection, and making mistakes are part of the shared human experience—not something that only happens to you.
Mindfulness vs. Over-Identification: Holding your painful thoughts and feelings in balanced awareness rather than suppressing them or getting swept away by negative drama.
Why Harsh Self-Criticism Backfires
When you criticize yourself severely, your brain perceives that threat as coming from within. This activates your body's "fight-or-flight" response, releasing stress hormones like cortisol.
Over time, living in a constant state of internal threat drains your energy and makes you risk-averse. When the fear of failure is paired with brutal self-judgment, taking risks or trying new things feels dangerous.
Self-compassion, on the other hand, activates your caregiving and soothing systems, releasing oxytocin and reducing stress. It creates a safe emotional environment where you can admit mistakes, learn from them, and actually make meaningful changes.
3 Small Ways to Start Practicing Today
Self-compassion is a practice, not a light switch. Here are three simple ways to start shifting your internal dialogue this week:
1. The "Friend Test"
The next time you catch yourself in a loop of harsh self-talk, pause and ask: “Would I say this to a friend I love?” If the answer is no, reframe the thought. What would you say to them instead? Try offering those exact same words to yourself.
2. Try a Self-Compassion Break
When stress, self-doubt or anxiety hits, take three deep breaths, and silently walk through these three steps:
Acknowledge the moment: "This is really hard right now." (Naming the pain instead of fighting it.)
Remember you're human: "I'm not alone. Lots of people feel overwhelmed or struggle with this"
Offer yourself warmth: "May I give myself the kindness I need right now."
3. Separate Your Worth from Your Output
Remind yourself that your value as a person isn't tied to your productivity, perfection, or performance. You deserve kindness simply because you are human, not because you checked off every item on your to-do list.
Healing Begins with Kindness
Learning to be kind to yourself after years of self-criticism takes time, patience, and often guidance. It isn't about overnight transformation; it’s about making a quiet, intentional choice to treat yourself like someone worth caring for.
If you’re struggling with self-criticism, perfectionism, or burnout, therapy can provide a supportive space to cultivate self-compassion. If you're ready to take that step, I offer both in-person therapy in Westminster, CO and telehealth sessions across Colorado. Reach out today to schedule a free consultation. Contact
Written by Daniele Sidener, MA, Licensed Professional Counselor Candidate (LPCC) at Winding River Therapy.
Disclaimer: This blog post is for informational and educational purposes only and does not substitute for professional medical or mental health advice. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or having thoughts of self-harm, please call or text the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988, or go to your nearest emergency room. Help is available 24/7.
Comments